~~

///BEGIN

We arrived on separate platforms, separated by glass and space. Which was weird, as we hadn’t been separated since the first calibration… What was GLaDOS doing? She started spouting off all the ways humans could die, but I’d already heard it… I didn’t really pay attention. Frankly, even though I am a robot with a priority to testing, I would enjoy a short break from the collaboration-OH LOOK! A button!

///:P…
///…PRESS…!

Oh, I can see what Atlas saw! But… to my annoyance, I couldn’t get rid of it like usual… While trying to mess with the extra feed in the corner of my ‘vision’, I was alerted that there was a target to ping…

///:P…
///…PING…!

Upon the ping, a bridge to my right was completed. It lead to a platform that joined up with Atlas’!  I darted across, not realizing how much I had missed him [? Must remind RESEMBLE to get this fixed.] and it was a happy day. But, common to my partner, our reunion was short lived as his attention turned to a set of buttons. He pressed them while I looked around. Is it night? The sky is showing… Pretty stars-OH GOD! NO! MUSIC IN MY HEAD!

I ah, politely, asked  my beloved partner to turn it off, but in mid rant… well… lets just say I about broke down into theoretical tears. No no no no no no nooo… I cannot do another one of these…! Look, I know I said a lot of things I regret, but if there’s one thing I would take back, it was that I wanted a break from collaboration…

As I found myself expecting with a sense of horror, the other set of buttons controlled… Number of laps. This cannot be happening…

I really do not want to do this… I am a mere problem solver!

But, of course, Atlas was delighted. He did his dance thing, laughed at my obvious despair, and waddled all the way to buttons with tubes over them… When it was depressed, he was boxed in. Despite his usual claustrophobia, he was giddy with excitement, jabbering fragments of words and nonsense as I dragged my metallic ‘feet’ to the button. I unwillingly stepped on it, and was boxed in my space. I looked up, dreading the unavoidable vacuum that would suck me into this test. I looked at Atlas. He spoke uncomprehendable words as GLaDOS began to speak.

“We are now going to take a break from the collaboration for an instructional competition. 3… 2… 1…”
And, we were gone! GLaDOS was still speaking, but the sickening rush blotted her out of my thought processors. Groaning when the dreaded speed gel came into view, I did not want to complete this test. Atlas was screeching with delight as we hit the gel and bolted forward. He slid in front of me, obviously in it to win it. We raced over some bumps and over a ramp into an excursion funnel. The music he chose earlier dimmed out into a relaxing pulse as I slid into the funnel. There was another one going up to another platform, and there were targets on ether side.

///:P
///…PING…!

Oh, that’s nice. That’s really nice. The funnel reversed direction just as Atlas entered! Oh, this was great! I was able to catch up and reverse the flow again, this time getting a lot farther ahead than Atlas. This may be fun after all…

Lucky bot, he gets all the shortcuts now…

As the race wore on, I noticed it was a pretty good size. It also wasn’t just turning and jumping, a rare portal here and there… No, this test was meant to make you look around. It was a nice chamber to look at, but not as much time to pay attention to detail when you’re running around, attempting to find a better way to do things. Reaction time comes in handy on the first few run-throughs, as puzzles come up on you quick. There was always a better way to do things. I learned that as Atlas pulled ahead of me with a shortcut I had unlocked for him by passing a checkpoint…

Think quick, P-Body!

But, his lead didn’t last long! There were crushers ahead, and I could activate them with the power of my ping tool! With scrap metal flying past me, I took an easy lead and kept it for a long while. It was pretty obvious that he was having more trouble than I finding the best way to do the fast and furious puzzles, but I knew it was only a matter of time before he had it all down and was using my own ping weapons against me…

I dread the moment I am impaled by my partner’s ping tool…

Of course, the inevitable became reality a lap later. I hadn’t noticed Atlas’ slow creeping up on me until he activated a panel on the corner ahead, and I crashed into it rather anticlimactically… He sped ahead and was long gone by the time I had speed again… And so it begins. I used ping tools to change the environment around us dramatically, and made use of the funnels and light bridges made available for the same purpose. GLaDOS had been speaking to us the entire time, and I remember snickering lightly, but what the actual words were… I had no memory to remember!

I can haz hard light surfaces!!?!

Atlas and I made a few short leads on each other, and we were obviously giving the competition that GLaDOS wanted to see. We learned to be weary of the crushers and to completely avoid areas where light bridges could stop us in our tracks. I had made some small little portal traps once I realized Atlas had been using my portals! Unfortunately, I was just as guilty…

In the end, I think Atlas won, but it had been a very close and fun race. I had expected to be dominated by Atlas’ experience doing the grunt work, but I was definitely able to use my programmed problem solving skills to literally stop him in his tracks on multiple occasions. When it comes down to it, we’re evenly matched! Given a few more times… I think we could make this an official Aperture sport… I’ll talk to Atlas about it later once he gets over my ‘dirty playing’ with the crushers and portals…

Home free! It was a fun test, and we’re all impressed at how much you won. We are throwing-wait…

~~

This racing map was so good, I got all excited and wanted to tell GLaDOS that I want more just like this! And so I do this now!

///:Y…///
///…RECORDING…!

The last break from the collaboration was pretty awesome. I must say I for one was not thrilled at first, but it grew on me. There had been some pretty recognizable changes between previous races. I liked the length of it, as it gave plenty of time to inch ahead of the other. It was visually very impressive, not a beat was skipped between production of test chambers, correct? The fact that there were more small shortcuts that allowed you to get ahead by a few meters was an awesome addition from the last test, as well as quite a few opportunities for reaction time to mess you up. The puzzles were very doable, but took quick thinking the first few times if you wanted to go without stopping… I would love to see a lap counter in my HUD, though, as it’s a bit difficult to remember what lap you’re on if you’re running a close race. So, if I may be so bold as to grade your latest creation…

VISUAL: 5/5 [looked like just another test at a glance.]

PUZZLE: 5/5 [some degree of difficulty without putting the race at a standstill.]

REPLAYABILITY: 5/5 [it’s incredibly easy to spend hours playing through.]

INNOVATION: 5/5 [you have made a competition like this before, but this is an obvious upgrade.]

I believe that there’s not a lot more you could do to make the idea better. A solid  5 companion cubes [yes, I know of it…!] out of 5 are deserved, as this could be just another test in the middle of a chamber. Thanks a lot, I really want to test more things like this! Please include more in the course of normal testing!

////:Y
////…END MEMORY REPLAY……
////…REPLAY=?

~~~

AUTHORS’ NOTE

You can download Gelocity: Stage 2 to run with your amigos on ThinkingWithPortals.com!

If you have a map you’d like to request be tested, pop over to the forums to place an order! Self promotion is acceptable!

Big thanks to Zbot and Codename for the screenshots this week!

Team OH NO! and Team Synergy will face off at 7pm CAT | 5pm GMT | 9am EST this Sunday in the finals. The event is being shoutcasted by John “Agro” Irwin from KritzKast, 16Bit TF’s Yolanda “Lolita” Green and Lazar “Comedian” Jovic  from VanillaTF2.

To listen via Mumble connect to this server: mumble.vanillatv.org:64738 or CLICK HERE

To watch via SourceTV, launch TF2 and type into console: connect 196.38.180.45:27025

Let my nightmares begin!

I woke from stasis today, not knowing or caring exactly how long I had been sleeping, when I noticed something strange. I had awoken from stasis. By myself. Where was GLaDOS? Meh, well, no big deal, she left a test for me, hopefully she’ll leave me alone and let me do it, free from further emotional scarring.

I get out of the elevator, pass the blaring white telescreens surrounding the arrival pod, and head up the shaft. I entered rather uneasily; I just had a weird feeling. I realized there was a camera watching me. There’s two sections of map laid out in front of me, and they’re clearly marked with which order I should complete them in. This is good, because I could do an entire puzzle, just to find I needed a cube of some kind from the OTHER side of the map. Once I get a feel for the map, I realize it’s not THAT hard… I complete it with a fling, a light bridge, some confusion on where the rest of the test was, opened the door with a Discouragement Redirection Cube here and there, and on I go. The environment was very clean, nothing was in excess, it was beautiful in its own way. What’s next?

Looks completely healthy! It was too easy, though.

Well, I’ll tell you. The same darn thing. Well, not the EXACT same, but… the layout of the map and the objectives were exactly the same. Which is weird. I’ve never seen GLaDOS do something like this… Reusing her own test. I still haven’t heard her. But, I know she’s watching. There are cameras everywhere. Before I start the actual test, I make sure my bearings are right, and I notice a broken pane of glass. I wonder amusingly if GLaDOS somehow twitched when completing that part of the map and cracked the glass. But, when I got over to that part of the test… I saw something I couldn’t believe. It looked as though she took a chunk of the older chambers and tacked it on to the end of this pristine, clean chamber with all the fat trimmed out.

You missed a spot, GLaDOS.

This next part was slightly harder. After tweaking my methods to get the cubes for redirection slightly, I complete the puzzling laser test and get the heck out. There were some creepy ambient noises that I wasn’t sure would remain ambient for much longer… Next test, s’il vous plait! This one’s creepy!

< x = 180 - < y. x=-b+-Lb2-4ac|2a. y=mx+b. Remember freshman year yet?

On I go. The number 3 blared at me from above the last door. I enter, not exactly sure what to expect. The same glass that was broken is now completely shattered, along with the surrounding panes. There’s pieces of glass littering the floor. But, yes. Exact. Same. Test. This lack of a robot telling me she was watching my every move made me squeamish, especially since I KNOW she was watching. The noises I wanted to get away from were REALLY starting to freak me out, because the slightly deteriorated section from before had been almost decimated. It looked as if it had never been cleaned in a million years. Dirt, fallen panels keeping me from solving the test the way I wanted to, more dirt… It was disgusting and terrifying. How did GLaDOS live with herself? Her pride and joy is her tests, her science; how could she let such filth stay in these chambers after the time she‘s been alive? It was a scary train of thought. Had order lost all meaning?!? Does E really equal mc squared? WAS THE CAKE A LIE OR NOT?!?

I wouldn’t eat cake in here if you paid me.

…Calm down. It’s just a test… just a test… A bloody good test. Just focus.

I have absolutely no idea how I solved the last test, but it was really, really hard. I will give it that. I was almost driven insane by the puzzle and the un-GLaDOS-like behavior that was being expressed through no words. It seems that as time wore on, that particular part of the test just became more cavernous… There’s was lots of room in there, room that wasn’t necessary to have. It tricked me into false hope of an easy solution… Everything was the same but so… different! It was… Déjà vu.

So close! Yet so far… 2 cubes and a light bridge away…

Anyway, I’m glad to be out of that test! It messed with my brain in funky ways! It was the almost the same thing every time. It got harder. And dirtier. And creepier.

I didn’t find out where GLaDOS went. But, I might regret saying I wished she would leave me alone for this test: Her emotionally scarring jokes may have made this chamber a tad bit less nerve-wrecking… But it wouldn’t have been as cool. Or scientifically accurate.

As far as good maps go, this is excellent. It was worth noting on this self-reporting form. To rate it, I’d give it a good 4.3 cubes.

Environment = 4.5

Puzzle = 4

Communication = 4.5

~~

TIME: 30 min [last puzzle gets ya.]

Difficulty: 9/10 [for puzzle]

Replayability: Low [it’s not nearly as awesome if you play it again.]

~~

AUTHOR NOTE: The map is a really good choice if you’re looking to blow off an hour or so. Less skilled players may be able to get through it in an hour, but those well trained in the portal arts will find themselves finishing up pretty quick after a snag or two.

Anyway, please give me feedback on this post! It’s my first, so yeah.

If you have a map you’d like to request be tested, pop over to the forums to place an order! Self promotion is acceptable!

And that’s all, folks. See you next week!

Since the introduction of Valve’s online software distribution system in 2007 Steam has become the ubiquitous source for games in the PC market. It could be argued that Steam has removed the need for physical media altogether. Games initially purchased for your PC can now be installed (where available) on your mac without a second purchase. Your key setting and game saves are synced in the cloud ready and waiting where ever you log in to the network. We’re at the point that all of my gamer friends have a Steam account and most of them leave the application running in the task bar all day.

Steam chat works as an overlay in most games so you can pause your game, pitch in on the conversation and return to play with only a few key strokes. Skype and Twitter to one side there is no chat application I use more than Steam.

There has been, till now, a gap in my day when i haven’t been able to chat to my friends. When I’m away from my keyboard (AFK), traveling to work or sat on site. As of last night that gap was filled for me when I installed the Steam mobile app on my android phone.

While still in closed beta the app is not limited like Eddison’s first phone. I can communicate via my HTC android to my friends on their PCs. While they are emersed in Batman, Team Fortress 2 or a wealth of other titles I appear to them as playing the game, “mobile”.

Hideous and I sat down with the app last night, sending messages back and forth. We discussed the differences with the app on his iPhone 4 and my HTC Sensation. There were very few as it turns out. It mostly boils down the way iPhone handles background applications. The interface on Steam’s mobile app is slick, as you should expect from Valve, but not without its niggles. There’s no group chat and the recently added desktop feature of sorting friends into personalised groups (eg “People with beards” or “funny when drunk”) is absent from the mobile sibling. There are parts of the app that plain don’t work yet, missing content or polish. But for me it’s enough to now that we’re living the future here.  Steam has been missing from my mobile life for far to long. I welcome the iconic logo to my main screen.

Update: Since 30th Jan 2012 the beta has opened up. Valve are still welcoming feedback to improve the service and experience.

And that’s all for this week, folks. If all goes well… see you next week!

Success! Years are being scrambled! Let the January 2012 begin! Despite a growing reliance on mid-week, weekend, and holiday Steam sales to measure the passage of time, most of us have not yet chosen (or been chosen) to completely abandon the Gregorian calendar in favor of this alternative “Valve time” so thoughtfully provided by our benefactors. This year Valve celebrates two significant milestones: five years of Team Fortress 2 and ten years of Steam (from its earliest public Beta release). So what long-overdue improvements to the Steam experience should we anticipate or petition from Valve during this upcoming double anniversary year?

First, Valve has rightly recognized the need to overhaul their content delivery system. Valve announced plans this past summer to refine the Steam download experience with bandwidth limits, schedules, background transfers, prioritization, and differential patching. The Heavy responded that it costs $400,000 to download game content from Steam for 12 seconds. While patently untrue, the Heavy’s hyperbole does expose continued regional pricing inequities by certain third party publishers and the concerning costs associated with exceeding stringent regional bandwidth caps.

Second, Valve needs to find a better way to communicate Steam service interruptions to its customers. The Steam forums contain a long-maintained thread where Valve employees provide periodic updates on planned Steam maintenance and unplanned service outages. Alt-tabbing to check this official Steam Downtime Announcement thread feels sadly reactive, however, when the Steam Community is already offline or a Steamworks-reliant multiplayer session has already disconnected everyone. Planned service interruptions should not be an unexpected and unwelcome surprise for players. Steam service status should instead be readily available and clearly visible to customers within the Steam client and overlay.

Third, Valve should revisit the often broken and unpleasant Steam Support experience. “Valve time” may produce great games but “Valve time” is not a good model for customer service. Valve needs to provide better and quicker support options. The primary and official means for requesting assistance should not be an impersonal web form with a minimum 48 to 72 hour wait time before reply. While Gabe Newell and Robin Walker’s direct responses to customer feedback are often open and warm, the long delays and formulaic responses of Steam Support feel far more closed and cold. Valve should consider adding live chat support and perhaps even phone support. Steam has grown and adapted over time. Steam Support needs Valve’s support to grow and adapt accordingly.

Sic Semper Steam. Sic Semper Team Fortress.

This year could almost be known as the year of the hack. Off the top of your head, can you name games companies that were hacked this year? …. I’ll give you some time to think……………..OK that’s enough of that. You properly thought “Sony, yeah that was a big deal” true, it was. you may also have thought of steam. But if that’s all you can think of, you may be surprised to know that, EA, Sega, Bethesda, Nintendo, Codemasters, Epicgames and Square-enix were all compromised this year. That doesn’t really leave that many companies uncompromised.

That isn’t all the problems the games industry have been having. The world economy have hit the games industry much harder others. In this age, people are cutting back on luxuries and the video game is most certainly a luxury (an expensive one at times). This has resulted in the UK games market being at a 10 year low (in terms of weekly sales). Even game franchises that seemed unstoppable have come to a grinding halt from this turn of events. The Guitar Hero franchise, one of activations strongest IP’s, was official canned in January of this year, and quickly slipt from peoples minds.

It almost seems like there is no hope. we might as well enjoy games while we can, because one day they will simply go away. DON’T BE STUPID. The thing that makes the games industry so powerful is the gamers. We are always on the look out for new innovations, new game directions and new ways to play out games. This is what the games industry have latched onto this year. The 3DS hit in early April and added a new dimension to gaming. Whether you hated it or loved it, you can’t deny that it have given 3D gaming to the next generation of gamers. This console seemed to be far more popular with the younger generation that the vintage gamers. So expect the next 10 years of gaming to come with 3D glasses attached.

But thats not all that has changed for gamers. This year was also the year of the Ipad2. “Thats not a gaming platform” you say. 100Million sales of Angry birds would say otherwise. This truly was the year that mobile gaming took off. If you have an android or iPhone, Its hard for you to be reading this article and not have played at least 1 game while on the move.

All that and i didn’t even mention the games that came out this year. I could name some of the best, but really, you already have a short list in your head.

So where does that leave us? What does the future hold. The PSP vita just released in japan and the Nintendo wii-U will be arriving some time this year, Microsoft have also been advertising for next gen console devs, as have Sony. So it looks like the near future might just be all about the hardware. Maybe 2012 is going to be the birth of the next generation of gaming platforms, engines and technology. What ever it holds, we welcome it with open arms.

In a shocking display of activity not involving alcohol consumption, the intrepid Kritzkast hosts have provisionally recruited me, Sic Semper Tyranidus, to write a regular bi-weekly feature on this blog. Their drinking habits and ongoing attendance at the Soviet School for Podkasts, Servers, and Badassery has taught them to disavow such arcane written crafts in favor of arcane vocal ones. Thanks to the stalwart contributions of TF2-infused electrons, TF2-resounding pressure waves, and TF2-imbimbed CH₃CH₂OH, the signal of all things Team Fortress 2 cannot be stopped.

Though my style will surely differ from this established and beloved Kritzkast voice, I will do my utmost to offer the best possible critical musings, humor, and rage on all things Team Fortress 2 and Valve and Steam. For example, did you know that a standard keyboard contains 104 keys yet only 47 keys are default-bound in TF2? Did also you know that the Engineer recently made a concerted effort to lock those 57 unbound keys inside 57 crates with 57 specialty padlocks? His growing paranoia that the Spy might retype and thereby steal his WIKI (Writing Implements as Killing Instruments) Intelligence nearly led to the final TF2 paradox: keys that require keys to unlock them.

So, after narrowly avoiding this infinite TF2 key loop and purchasing a tamper-proof Australium keyboard from Mann Co instead, I would like to begin my tenure with an expression of heartfelt gratitude to Agro, the Burner of the World, who read my submissions to Kritzkast and sought me out. When I don the Lo-Fi every two weeks, prepare for furiously typing fingers. Hear now the hat: “You can’t stop the signal.” Hear now the Australium keyboard: “You can’t stop the keys either!”

Sic Semper Kritzkast. Sic Semper Team Fortress.